God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
