I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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