his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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