it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
