I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
