im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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