So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
