I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
