Umm I'm too high to move.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
