Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
