my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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