Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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