The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
