I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
