I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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