He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
