stop calling my apartment porn island.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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