Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Sext me about skeletons
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
