Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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