while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
