the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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