please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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