if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
