i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
