sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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