We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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