Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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