i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
