It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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