all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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