I want to walk on stilts...naked
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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