So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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