And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
