New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
