It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
