I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
