She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
