his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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