Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize