he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
