It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
