my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
