We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
