I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize