If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ladies don't puke and tell
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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