Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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