Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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