my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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