just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i drank out of a bidet.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
