I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
