just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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