i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize