and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
