I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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