Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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