Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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