life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
