Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
