I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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